so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
