My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
