If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
