Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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