The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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