my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
