my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Randomize
