Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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