so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
