And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize