i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
