Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize