Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You brought string cheese to the strip club
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
