There was a lot of him and a little penis
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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