somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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