I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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