I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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