my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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