dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
