I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
