Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
