I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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