Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize