if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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