I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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