3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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