The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
