Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
