I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
