I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
