Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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