Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize