he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You pole danced in your parka.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
