Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
