Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
