It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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