Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He shit in the fireplace
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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