if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
