3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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