and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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