I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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