Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
