he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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