Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
