so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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