GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
