my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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