You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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