Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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