alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I think I won the penis lottery.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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