I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
