I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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