my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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