I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
It's shark week go big or go home
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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