Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Come on in and take your pants off
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